Another random rambling.....

Another random rambling.
Another assortment of mixed metaphors and contradictions…that's what the mind churns out these days.

It was about to rain that evening. The air was laden with moisture. You could feel the heaviness of the rain laden cloud hovering above you. Armed with a note pad and my camera, I walked over to the Dunn Loring metro bridge, it is my favorite hangout these days. I spent most of my lonely evenings watching aimlessly the moving traffic on the interstate number 66.

I like to believe that life is like the traffic that flows on the interstate. People moving from one point to another.

A source-a journey- a destination.

My life too is like this traffic. Governed by ethics, cultural norms, guided by signs from the occult, a wrong exit and it takes hell of a time to come back to where you once were ...damn another random epiphany- I thought as a faint smile passed over

Bound in the rat race, I move aimlessly

From life to death,
From proud to humble,
From poor to rich, I am, like all in the same crowd.

With each passing day, I thought- we destroy ourselves,

Just to feed the fathomless void in our torso,
Just to satisfy our urge to grow.

I think it would be better if we all just left, and hope in time we learn to do our best.
For if we don’t, it may not be that we can control what happens to we.

I say this now, watching the days ebb by, hoping along the way that I learn some patience, and persistence- yes a generous helping of it would be nice, but most of all I want my life to come out as I dreamt and as I dream in my sojourn through this strife.

I am not the person I could be, normally this definitely bothers me.
But lately I was thinking that, if I am not the best that can be, am I really me?

Huh!!!!- damn the blare of the passing truck - just broke the flow-

I can imagine how the Gods dance about my situation. What seems to be bad karma turns against itself and becomes a blessing incognito, enwrapped by false promises and submission. Submission to the authority of which I have never had a say in and never will.

“You’re worthless. You can’t do anything right. An engineer, A photographer, a poet, a writer? Who has heard of all these come into one being? You can barely keep your thoughts coherent and constant, your words slur! Your compositions are crass and you can’t find yourself a decent job”- shouts the voices in my head.

But then I believe this rat race is to prove the voices wrong. Proving once more why I have been placed here on this spinning dark-blue orb: to prove you wrong. To prove that no matter the obstacle, there are words to get around it.

Its surreal how often the notion that I was not placed here by natural circumstances, but instead by some other life form as an experiment…Absurd how often this thought strikes the mind and seems feasible. Feasible! Well, I know nothing of that kind of thing. All I know of feasibility is that my foible mind cannot grasp such a lofty concept.

Revolution seems impossible when all I can think of is why I should try if no one else has. It’s all I can think about. All I can ever envision when I try and grasp the one piece of my mind that isn't washed away

Think. They say...But, then I ask them.... how does one think when all one knows is to be thoughtless?

30th June
5.45 am
Vienna Va

To the one who knows?

Sitting in the balcony in silence…I wondered and waited.
Waiting… for the time… when time is no more.
Waiting …where wait ceases to be and it is no more.
Sitting in the dusk gazing out at the vacant sky…

Wishing for a better time
Waiting for a better tomorrow…
A long sigh escapes my being as I find my self typing the remnants of a vision.

The darkness soon came that evening and the blackness of her eyes reflected the outpouring of her soul; now as she lay in my arms crying softly, like so many tears before it- this tear found its way on my chest from her eyes.

Surrounded by the darkness that was her love, for in this darkness I shall find solace …I know this. The light had left us long ago, alone in a place, we had never been together – this was a first time for me and for her too. At first she was scared, but then she willed it to come back, sit with me once more, in quiet harmony. Never shall I forget- the gentle warmth and the caress of her skin lightly against mine, the warmth of security, the light of hope.

I knew I would never feel her hands touch mine once more. Never see the moonlight again in her eyes for a long time to come. Those eyes of deep topaz yellow would never look upon me again for a long time to come. Those deep eyes- I can never forget…the eyes that showed me what love is. The eyes showed me the magic of light and shadow shimmering in unison. The eyes told me the secrets of this world, and of the beauty of others.

Not a word was ever spoken between us, yet we somehow seem to have shared all the understanding in the universe. She told me of the true color of love. She told me of the purity light contains. She showed me the place the soul calls home. She showed me how to fly.

When I closed my eyes I could still feel her warmth. The warmth of a purity never meant for this earth.. I saw this scene play out in my head again and again. Holding her in my arms, I looked up at her. The pain in her eyes was now taken over by love and understanding. Her eyes reassured me that everything would be ok. My eyes shut. My body took a final breath and released it, and with it all the pains of a mortal body too were exhaled.

She floated in my imagination as a feather would float in air. She glided in my spaces for what seemed to be a lifetime. We walked up the path, cradling me in her arms as she walked. This was a place where she once found magic, where the dreams of dreamers were born. As we sat on the earth, in the light of dusk, she wrapped her long fingers around mine and her shimmering indigo cloth over our intertwined hands. She clenched to my hand as if this was the only earthly possession she had and her aim was just to give love, and she gave it with all her being.

Holding me in her arms once more she stepped into deeper into my being. Looking to the heavens, I felt her, as she moved deeper, until only her essence was felt. As the faint light of the first star appeared in the sky, I knew it was time to stop this cerebration. I saw the look in her eyes when I said my silent goodbye. A goodbye filled with love and wisdom too great for this space. She had no more tears to shed for me, she was empty. An emptiness so complete it seemed she would feel nothing forever more

Retracing my steps back , I found my self sitting there in the balcony with the laptop perched on my laps and the cup of once hot coffee… Silently I gazed into the sky until light and dark were one.

Sitting with silence.
Floating with dreams.
Smiling at my self...at what I imagined and what I had typed.
Smiling at the words that stared back at me from the laptop screen.

I knew it was vague but I had my blog entry.

June 26th Vienna Virginia

Loo Blues

Philosophy is like sitting on a rocking chair…you think you are going somewhere, but in the end you are right where you began. To put it across more succinctly I guess it’s the art of wasting your life inside a self-built prison of answers.

You feel that you are climbing up and seeking answers, but once you are at the very top you'll notice that the seek itself is the answer!!!! Queer isn’t it?

Sitting in the balcony with a piping cup of coffee by my side , I gazed out at the dreary sky. It was the evening hour and seemed like it would rain. As the birds scurried back to their nest, a gentle zephyr over my hair brought back the train of thoughts, I was earlier cerebrating on. Rather than earlier , I would put it across that these thoughts were the current theme of my thought process. What’s the meaning of this life?

That way you could tell anyone on this planet what the meaning of life is. Maybe the person will accept the answer and maybe not. But no matter if they do, they still have to go through the same procedure like " I, me, and you" did before realizing what I, me and you meant by that.

An image from the axes of time brings back the flux of thoughts. When there is no content or essence to fill empty words, the thoughts simply rest empty and collect dust in the corner of my mind.

Me thinking to (or discussing with) myself in my toilet (it's the so very best place to think,):

An endless loop of answers to a simple question and then plop… the sound of a water drop leaking from the faucet broke the flux- Hey; the meaning of life is the endless search itself.

The search for answers- for a meaning -for a sense to fill your life.

You will always keep the hope of finding an enlightening answer,

The answer which will fill you with bliss and carry you up into the infinite skies,

The answer to threw you into a non-stop sea of endorphins and dopamine’s until your last day has come,

The answer to kill melancholy, sadness, depression.

The answer to make (infinite) awareness just as unimportant as all the small things.

And this hope keeps you up. This hope is why you don't quit thinking and searching.

Hope is such an important thing, may there be a reason for it or not, hope is fulfillment.
- Oh ok! I will go out there now and keep searching! Woo hoo! (whatever Anil...Curb it...)

- Right... this answer is not giving you anything, nor does it make your life brighter. I guess you must have reached the very last stage of your life to realize what the sentence

"The meaning of life is the endless search itself" really is all about.

As long as you are young those are only empty words.
But in the same moment we realize that we still should not quit thinking, since you could always just smile and hope that one day you will be 82 and finally fully aware of the previously mentioned sentence.

This whole thing took me a minute to realize and about 40 to write down. (After 2 months of storing the whole thing in my head)

Another proof that I sometimes think faster than I can actually realize and phrase out in words.

I walked back to the balcony with a huge smile on my face, even with knowing how useless all those thoughts are in my current situation.